A few
jokes - A little Pot humor perhaps?
Marijuana Jokes and Funny Stuff
Q. -
How do you know when you are Stoned?
A. - When you are too phoned to stone
home. |
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A Homeland
Security Officer stopped at our farm
yesterday stating;
"I
need to inspect your farm for illegally
growing drugs."
I said
"Okay , but
don’t go in that field over there…..",
The Homeland Security Officer verbally
exploded saying,
"Mister, I have the authority of the Federal
Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the
arrogant officer removed his badge and
shoved it in my face.
"See this
fucking badge?! This badge means I am
allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land
!! No questions asked or answers given!!
Have I made myself clear?…. Do you
understand me?!!"
I nodded politely, and even apologized, and
went about my chores. A short time later, I
heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the
Homeland Security Officer running for his
life, being chased by my big old mean
bull... With every step the bull was gaining
ground on the officer, and it seemed likely
that he’d sure enough get gored before he
reached safety. The officer was clearly
terrified. I quickly threw down my tools,
ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my
lungs...
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
(I love this!
Homerland Insecurity at their best)
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SO A
PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR...
And the
bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in
a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel
fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have
that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a
battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball,
but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what
about that hook? What happened to your
hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another
battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got
fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"And what about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at
sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I
looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You
can't lose an eye just from bird shit"
"It was my first day with the hook..."
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The little
woman left a note on the fridge -
“It’s not working, I just can’t take it
anymore!”
"I’ve gone to stay at my Mom’s."
So, I opened the fridge, the light came on
and the beer was cold.
Not sure what she was talking about? |
A teacher is
explaining biology to her 3rd grade
students.
She says, "Human beings are the only animals
that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand. saying, "I
had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of
these stories could be, asked the girl to
describe the incident.
"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard
with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives
next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our
yard!"
The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been
scary"
The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty
raised
her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and
before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler
ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room. |
A very stoned
woman went to the doctor and she touched her
knee and said “It hurts when I touch myself
here” , then she
touched her elbow and said “and it hurts
when I touch myself here”, then she touched
her arm and said “and it hurts when
I touch myself here”, and she touched her
head and said “and it hurts when I touch
myself here...”
The doctor, smelling the
strong aroma of marijuana, smiled and
replied,
“You have a broken finger.” |
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Not to
mention the Pharmaceutical Industry... |
Who makes
more money, a Drug Dealer or a Hooker?
A Hooker, because she can just wash her
crack and use it again. |
A horse and a
chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
falls into a hole and is sinking. He calls
to the chicken to go and get the farmer to
help pull him out to safety. The
chicken runs to find the farmer, but the
farmer can't be found. So the chicken drives
the farmer's BMW 328 back to the mud hole,
and ties some rope around the bumper. He
then throws the other end of the rope over
to the horse and drives forward, saving him
from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse are
playing in the meadow again and this time
the chicken falls into a mud hole. The
chicken yells to the horse to go and get
some help from the farmer. The horse says,
"I think I can stand over the hole!"
So the horse stretches over the width of the
mud hole and says, "Grab my 'thingy' and
pull yourself up..." The chicken does just
that, and pulls himself to safety.
The moral of the story?
If you're
hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to
pick up chicks.
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Bill and Jim
were golfing on Saturday morning when a
funeral procession began to pass. Bill
removed his hat and got down on one knee
until the motorcade passed. Jim says, "Bill,
what’s up? I’ve never seen you act like
this!" Bill says, "It’s the least I can do.
I was married to her for 35 years." |
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Three friends
made a bet with one another to see who could
make their wife scream the longest in bed.
So they all went home to have sex and meet
the next day. The first man says "I licked
my wife out for 30 minutes and she was
screaming about 20 of them". The second man
said "That's nothing, I slept with mine and
she was screaming at least a half an hour".
The third man says "You think that's bad, I
slept with mine for 10 minutes and wiped my
dick on the curtains and she's still
screaming!" |
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The Penis
Tax..............
The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed
is the penis. This is due to the fact that
40% of the time it's hanging around
unemployed, 20% of the time it's pissed off,
30% of the time it's hard up, 10% of the
time it's in the hole.
On top of all this, it has two dependents,
and they're both nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 1999,
penises will be taxed according to size !
To determine the category, please consult
the chart below and confirm this
information on page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of
the standard 1040P form.
10 to 12 inches................Luxury
Tax...............$50.00
8 to 10 inches.................Pole
Tax..................$30
6 to 8 inches...................Privilege
Tax............$15.
4 to 6 inches...................Nuisance
Tax.......... $5.00
PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is
eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION ! ! ! ! !
! !
***** Males exceeding 12 inches must file
Capital Gains
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
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Famous
Realizations...
You know what
I did before I married? Anything I wanted
to.
- Henny Youngman
The best way to get most husbands to do
something is to suggest that perhaps they're
too old to do it.
-Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are
completely equal partners," is talking about
either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
- Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage,
half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same
way.
- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when
she's wrong.
- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. - I should have
asked for a jury.
- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend
and a husband? About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or
go shopping. Men invade another country.
It's a whole different way of thinking.
- Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and
said, "There was water in the carburetor." I
said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the
lake."
- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of
them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a
secret.
- Henny Youngman
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So it
goes...
People are
always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for
their secret for success. Actually, it is no
secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long
ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul
Newman.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to
another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding
ring on the wrong finger?" The other
replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong
man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was
in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted." Next day he received a
hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
When a man steals your wife, there is no
better revenge than to let him keep her.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph
of hope over experience. I married Miss
Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it
was almost impossible.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I
don't like to interrupt her.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men
would go through life thinking they had no
faults at all.
My girlfriend told me I should be more
affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't
hate your relatives. In fact, I like your
mother-in-law better than I like mine."
How do most men define marriage? A very
expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he
decided not to report it because the thief
was spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your
wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still
alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they
can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are
beautiful.
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Got an awesome marijuana joke?
How about the last joke that actually made you laugh?
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